No Really, Your Boyfriend is a Jerk.

Alternate Title: I Am Getting Too Damn Old for Social Media

Today’s confession? I get embarrassed reading other people’s Facebook posts. Nothing makes me feel older than reading the Facebook updates of certain college-aged acquaintances. But even as I’m cringing and wishing I could stage a Facebook intervention, telling certain people to keep some of these FEELINGS and sentiments private, I know that such an endeavor is futile. Even though I’m 26 (and obviously much older and wiser), I remember what it’s like to be 20 and in love. I know trying to talk some sense into someone who is head over heels is pointless. You can’t save someone from future heartbreak, no matter how much you want to protect them from themselves. However, if I could stage a Facebook intervention, here is what I would say:

I know that [redacted] is the greatest thing in the world and the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ever have. He’s your first love! Of course you think he’s great! But here’s the thing – your boyfriend is really a jerk.

I know, I know. He’s so different, no one has ever made you feel that way, and I don’t even know him, so how I could judge him? (Un?)Fortunately, my years of dating jerks have taught me a thing or two, and I wish I could teach them to you. I know you’re going to ignore me, preferring to learn these things for yourself (hopefully with less heartache than I had to experience), but there are a few things I think you should know anyways.

This is why I think your boyfriend is a jerk:

  • He refers to women as bitches, sluts, and/or whores. Any guy who makes across the board generalizations about women in general doesn’t respect women – he sees them as objects for his own use. If they don’t meet his (most likely impossibly high) standards, they are Less Than, and therefore not worth an iota of respect.
  • He bemoans women for not wanting to date a Nice Guy™. What’s wrong with the Nice Guy™? I could go into how, like the above point, Nice Guys™ don’t respect women. I could touch on the expectation of sex for treating a woman like a real person. I could go on and on about how someone who is supposed to be your friend shouldn’t expect a damn cookie for not taking advantage of you when you have been drinking. Instead, I’ll simply point to this article. Trust me, Nice Guys™ aren’t just jerks, but they’re manipulative jerks. Don’t settle for a Nice Guy™, for a predator who disguises himself as a victim. Find a genuinely nice person.
  • He makes fun of women’s ages and/or weight. Someone who makes fun of anyone for being overweight or for being old is a jerk, no matter what. Someone who exclusively makes fun of women for being overweight or for being old is especially a jerk. What happens when you start to get old or start to gain weight? Is that really who you want in your support system?
  • He doesn’t make any effort in the relationship. Think back over the past two weeks. How much interaction in your relationship was perpetuated by you? How many times did he make an unprompted effort to express his feelings and desire for you? When it comes down to it, are you getting as much out of the relationship as you’re putting into it?

I could go on and on, but trust me – your boyfriend is a jerk. It’s okay; when I was 20, my boyfriend was a jerk too. I know you don’t care what I think about your boyfriend, and these 600 words are falling on deaf ears. Just remember that when he ultimately breaks your heart, it will feel like the world is ending. But, you’ll come out stronger on the other side, and eventually you will find someone who is worthy of all the beauty and love you have to offer.

It’s the night before Valentine’s Day, and this isn’t the best time to go over this. We already established that you’re probably not listening anyways. If you are, however, take these words to heart and dump him. He’s a jerk.